Note: This is a tongue-in-cheek response to a Future Female Leaders article. You can read it here. I suggest you do it before proceeding.
Friends, we gather today to celebrate the life of a precious
article: “Open Letter to Millenials: Socialism Isn’t Cool.” Despite the author’s
lack of familiarity with spellcheck (Millennials), the worthwhile piece
received the beloved attention of young, neo-conservative sympathizers the social-media
world over. It is almost shameful that such an earnest attempt at informing the
public met with such a sudden end. Let us remember the article.
The bottom of the work reads “Jennifer,” no doubt the maker’s
mark, in a bold, pinkish hue. We are left to wonder why the mark of ownership
excluded a surname. Whoever she is, this is for her (“Jennifer FFL Contributor”).
The early sentences of the article’s life were filled with
angst and frustration over the increasing popularity of Bernie Sanders and “capitalism
bashing.” The young work bursts forth from the confines of adolescence, vowing
to consider the facts. She then stumbles a bit, opening the very next sentence
with “I think.” Not deterred, she
rages onward. The early mistakes of her life have taught her to refer to
experts in order to deliver her arguments; she borrows Glenn Reynolds’ assertion
that people aren’t that poor compared to a thousand years ago. It was a bold
strike, but laughably irrelevant.
Unlike most adult-aged articles, which typically grow in
their understanding and clarity with age, this one did not. The first attempts
at her adult-life, where she rested on examples of the “socialist” countries of
Cuba and North Korea (Communists), seemed to have suffered an Orwellian-like
removal from the record. Without those linchpins, she points to a Greek income
tax rate of 46 percent without ever mentioning that more than half of the
population bribes tax collectors and turns their tax returns into complete
works of fiction. The words are pleading with readers to understand that
socialism is collapsing Greece, when in reality, bad debts that were born out
of the sacred free-market is one the millstone tied to the Greek foot – EU-implemented
austerity is the other.
Realizing, in her older years, that much of her life’s work
was either erased or based on misunderstood statistics, she pleads with
socialists and Bernie Sanders supporters, “do you really want this? The economy
would plummet and service quality would decrease dramatically according to math
and statistics, which Sanders ignores.” It can be difficult to remember the
lives of loved ones honestly, but let us do our best: this statement is the
equivalent of saying, “I know a2+b2=c2 because
of numbers and stuff.”
Her final gasps of air were spent in a desperate plea to
millennials, be economically intelligent
and aware. We find it almost unbearable that the one thing she asked her
successors to be was the one thing she knew she had never been herself.
Farewell, dear friend.
Note to Millennials: Ignore everything from Future Female
Leaders.
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