Socialism Isn't Cool: An Obituary

Note: This is a tongue-in-cheek response to a Future Female Leaders article. You can read it here. I suggest you do it before proceeding.

Friends, we gather today to celebrate the life of a precious article: “Open Letter to Millenials: Socialism Isn’t Cool.” Despite the author’s lack of familiarity with spellcheck (Millennials), the worthwhile piece received the beloved attention of young, neo-conservative sympathizers the social-media world over. It is almost shameful that such an earnest attempt at informing the public met with such a sudden end. Let us remember the article.

The bottom of the work reads “Jennifer,” no doubt the maker’s mark, in a bold, pinkish hue. We are left to wonder why the mark of ownership excluded a surname. Whoever she is, this is for her (“Jennifer FFL Contributor”). 

The early sentences of the article’s life were filled with angst and frustration over the increasing popularity of Bernie Sanders and “capitalism bashing.” The young work bursts forth from the confines of adolescence, vowing to consider the facts. She then stumbles a bit, opening the very next sentence with “I think.” Not deterred, she rages onward. The early mistakes of her life have taught her to refer to experts in order to deliver her arguments; she borrows Glenn Reynolds’ assertion that people aren’t that poor compared to a thousand years ago. It was a bold strike, but laughably irrelevant. 

Unlike most adult-aged articles, which typically grow in their understanding and clarity with age, this one did not. The first attempts at her adult-life, where she rested on examples of the “socialist” countries of Cuba and North Korea (Communists), seemed to have suffered an Orwellian-like removal from the record. Without those linchpins, she points to a Greek income tax rate of 46 percent without ever mentioning that more than half of the population bribes tax collectors and turns their tax returns into complete works of fiction. The words are pleading with readers to understand that socialism is collapsing Greece, when in reality, bad debts that were born out of the sacred free-market is one the millstone tied to the Greek foot – EU-implemented austerity is the other. 

Realizing, in her older years, that much of her life’s work was either erased or based on misunderstood statistics, she pleads with socialists and Bernie Sanders supporters, “do you really want this? The economy would plummet and service quality would decrease dramatically according to math and statistics, which Sanders ignores.” It can be difficult to remember the lives of loved ones honestly, but let us do our best: this statement is the equivalent of saying, “I know a²+b²=c² because of numbers and stuff.”

Her final gasps of air were spent in a desperate plea to millennials, be economically intelligent and aware. We find it almost unbearable that the one thing she asked her successors to be was the one thing she knew she had never been herself. Farewell, dear friend. 

Note to Millennials: Ignore everything from Future Female Leaders.